So, usually people reminisce the year BEFORE it ends, so I'm gonna do it a little bit differently.

So hello 2016! 2015 has been a great year and I am looking forward to what 2016 will bring. Nevertheless, I cannot deny that 2015 has been one hell of a roller coaster ride.
Today, on 1/1/16 I have decided to revive and revamp my blog once again. Not because I expect followers or anything,but because it serves as a good place to look back on. Reading past posts allow me to tap back into memories of the past,whether it was about love, or hurt, or something I truly cared about.
So if you are here reading this, WELCOME. But please,don't expect all fun and fluff in this post because heheh, 2015 was a LOT more than just that. Also, for a disclaimer, this post is going to be long. Very long. And do feel free to stop any time you wish. But I feel that I have to write this.

- I will continue tomorrow since I'm feeling sleepy, so goodnight for now! C:

Alright, I'm back. It seems as though the desire to post this seems to decrease the longer I put it off so, I shall go right into it.

2015. What a year. A year once again full of emotional ups and downs and also some faith-challenging tasks. God definitely took my prayer seriously when I told Him to "strengthen me in my faith". Before leaving for Australia, that was one of my prayers. During a sharing last year, I remember one of my youth members sharing about how difficult it was for him to settle down overseas. I recall not thinking too much about it as I thought I would have it easier. I couldn't have been more wrong.
2015 began on a positive note. I was both excited and sad to be leaving Malaysia, the place I have lived in for the past 19 and so years of my life. I had made new friends, preparing to take off to Sydney, Australia. When I got to Australia, everything seemed fine and dandy. Yaaayyy, I was gonna make loads of friends, eat loads of good food, do well in exams, you name it. Alll positive. Until.

Things began going wrong. While I have always struggled with the issues of insecurity and self esteem, it never hit me this bad until that time. Differences in culture, lifestyle and even language started to sink in. But most of all, I built up walls around myself I didn't even notice. While I made new friends, I felt like we never "truly" got along and that I couldn't trust them. I finally understood the meaning of acquaintances and friends. And for the friends I did make, I became envious of them because they seemed to fit in so much more than I did. 2 friends who opened up with time seemed to much more loved by everyone else than me. If there was anything that gave me comfort the most, was having friends and family that I knew loved and cared for me regardless of anything. God knew that. So He decided that I had to learn to lean on Him. He crushed my social circle. Or perhaps, looking at it retrospectively, He used my emotions to crush it myself.

Lonely, hurt, in pain. Cycles of thoughts of "how situations would go" started flooding my mind every day. Of how I would finally open up to my friends at the breakfast table, or suddenly be able to make some witty comment that would break the ice between them and me. All of which never succeeded. And then I would go back to my room feeling even more depressed than ever.
"why not" "what if" "how can this be"  were the questions that came to me. To the point where I could not feel anymore. Happiness, sadness, there was nothing. I woke up everyday feeling empty. I never thought it was possible until that time. How....difficult it was back then.

At this point if anyone is still reading, I'd like to thank everyone who listened to me lament and cry, to the FOCUS people, my family, friends and people back home who were there to encourage me and give me advice. Surely I wasn't an easy person to handle. In everything that took place, church was the only consistent thing in my life where I felt comforted. To Anne Zahra, the lady from Creston who has been through this with me through and through, thank you. You are the walking miracle, not me. To Shreenithi, to Emily, Charmaine, Andrea, Beng, Annette, Angel, Alice, Agata, Dolla, Raymond, Dhanusha, Eileen, Chin Yin, Cher Wei, Petrina, Yan Ling and so many more. Thank you. I cannot thank you enough.

It is only when we look back that we can truly thank God for how things work out. During the winter break, I came back home looking for answers. I was ready to move out of Creston College because I didn't feel like I belonged there, but Beng insisted that I stay on for one more semester. Coming back to Malaysia meant coming back to a place of comfort which I enjoyed dearly. Meeting high school friends never felt so much more to me. I could feel "love" coming back again. I was happy.
The story does not end there.

HLCE(my church) happened to be starting a new series called "Freedom in Christ" during that time. It was a series that highlighted the truths that were in the Bible. Looking back, I may not have be as receptive as I was if all that had not happened to me. I went through the course, taking everything in.
I learnt that anything that was not from God was from the Evil one. That we can choose to not let thoughts overpower us. That we ought to behave our way into good feelings not vice versa. That God giving Jesus up for us was already the greatest gift He could give, and that surely since the most has been given, will He not give the little things too? And the best part? NO ONE can stop us from becoming the person that God has planned for us to become. Not even the evil one. Satan does not know our life down pat, God does.

I finished the course back in Australia. I decided to follow the steps to "break down the strongholds" of my life. Actively reciting verses in my head throughout the day helped me remember God's word given to us so many years ago. They stopped me from overthinking things. Most of all, they gave me courage to continue life as it was.

-They said those who followed the steps would see results in 6 weeks. But I saw them from the very first week. By the second week, my gratefulness for life was restored. I was feeling, yes FEELING again. And I was happy. So genuinely thankful for what God was putting in my life. Slowly but surely, the walls came down. I became closer to my friends in Creston, made new ones in uni, explored new places with new people and even enjoyed my lessons. My confidence in myself as God's child held me firm throughout semester 2. Even though the struggle comes back once in awhile, I can now be honest with God about them. The college which I felt like running from became my home. I now genuinely love the people there. It took awhile, but I am now able to.

God indeed puts us in situations where we have no choice but to lean on Him. He also puts people in our lives to spur us own and towards Him. Anne Zahra was one of them. Talking to her helped me to put my life back in perspective, trying to have a routine took my mind of too many things. And the miracle? After I spoke to Anne Zahra the first time, my mum told me she had prayed just the day before that God would send someone to help me. And Anne was that person. Had I moved from Creston, had I not decided to take that risk in talking to someone, had I not experienced all that turmoil and obstacles, would I have been able to appreciate the little things that God gave to me.


-So what about now? What happens after this? I'm still in a healing stage, for strongholds do not break down immediately and disappear. I still struggle with them, whether being on home ground or not. But I have a stronger conviction that the Lord is here, watching over me, even as I am typing this. Of course I still have issues I have to deal with, but I know I can take them to Him, and that He will be there when I need Him the most.

I know it has been a long, long read. But my 2015 story has finally come to an end. Thank you for sticking with me till the end, I'm sorry if I have offended or hurt anyone throughout last year, and I pray that 2016 will be even more exciting year than before.
May God bless everyone and have great year.

PS: I hope there aren't any typos, and I apologize for any that have appeared, this was probably hard enough to read without them.



Yours Truly,
JT